"What are they?" a woman asks me, pointing at my children. I still double-take when people ask. The answer, which is so obvious to me, is often a mystery to strangers in the street. Is it her black hair? His tan skin? Their deep brown eyes? What is clear to most people is that they are not completely mine- that is, they don't match my day-glo white skin, my pale blue eyes, my crop of freckles. They aren't 100% clearly Irish/Scottish/Russian, like me. They are different, as people often feel compelled to point out.
Regardless of the fact that I see them simply as my children, there is something mysterious enough about them that people feel the need to ask. I'm sure, most of the time, it is out of simple curiosity. Ancestry and heritage is a fascinating topic. It is something that people bond over, search for and wonder about.
But when people ask, I hesitate. In those few seconds my brain sends up warning signs- Wait! Why are they asking? Are they about to judge or criticize? Usually not. But still, it's possible. And I've seen enough doubt in people's eyes when they get the answer, that the Momma-bear in me wants to throw my body in front of those kids and make sure that it doesn't go beyond a curious or judgmental look.
See, my kids, my little angels, my babies who I gave birth to in the great state of New Hampshire, are first generation American-born on their father's side. Their father, his parents and so forth back through their family tree were not born in this country. Out of that extra bit of caution, I will refrain from saying where exactly they come from because, just in case, I don't want you - whoever you are and whatever you believe - to suddenly think anything less of an 8 year old and a 6 year old.
Let's face it, right now you are imaging that they come from Trump's list of banned countries. And maybe they do. But maybe they don't. And the question is, does that change this story? I would argue that, to some people, it does, especially right now. If I said they were Italian, would you relax? If I said they were Middle Eastern, would you mentally go on guard? Many of you wouldn't. But some would. That's the world we are living in.
The 100%, undeniable reality is that children from those countries are no more likely to grow up to be terrorists than the kids in the "all-American" or "all-white" (or whatever distinction people feel safe with) house down the street. But in the same breath, if my children, and millions of other children in this country suddenly start hearing that people originating from those countries are unwanted or harmful or threatening, imagine the harm that will cause them. Image the self doubt. Image that fear when they hear people on the news shouting for them to go home or go back, when for so many of them, America is home. Regardless of their visa or green card or citizenship status. Image the seeds of pain that will be planted in those young hearts. Hatred breeds hatred, as we know, while kindness is what heals and cures. So we have the choice- plant those seeds of hatred and hope they don't manifest into something worse. Or extend the kindness and generosity that is human nature. And let those things be what we teach our children.
Racism and religious persecution are not new. We do remember that is how American became populated by "whites" and "Christians," right? Escaping religious persecution. How soon we forget. And we've fumbled human rights too many times. Immigrant quotas, Japanese internment camps during WWII, slavery... And every time, the nation eventually comes to their senses and regrets those harmful decisions. Yet here we are again, keeping families apart, telling law-abiding visa holders to go home, calling 5 year old children in airports a "threat" to national security. (On a separate note, good lord, just try to take my child away from me in a foreign airport. I would reach a level of lock-me-up-crazy in moments. God bless the woman who recently had to live through those terrible hours.)
So, just to be clear, except for those who have 100% Native American blood, WE ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS.
Coming back to the small slice of racism that I run into- should I worry when my kids go out with their father or grandparents? Should I be concerned that someone might hear them speak their native language - be it Farsi, or Urdu, or Arabic or Greek - and feel threatened enough to react? Thank goodness those kids don't know any of this yet. But that realization is probably not far off for them. Someday they will innocently tell somewhere where their ancestors came from and that person in their small-minded world will feel it necessary to assume and stereotype and hurt. It's unpreventable when the government, whose purpose it to protect and guide us, makes hatred and anger and racism an accepted governing practice.
What are they? people ask.
They are soccer players.
They are Star Wars fans.
They are a first and third grader.
They are the best readers in their classes.
They are wanna-be scientists and inventors.
They are a Girl Scout and a Boy Scout.
They are awesome knock-knock joke tellers.
They are brilliant and beautiful and imperfect and kind.
They are a niece and a nephew, a grandson and granddaughter, step-kids, friends, classmates, gigglers and teasers, snugglers and pouters. They are human.
I'll refrain from the one label you might be looking for. Because while yes, they are "Americans," that if far from the most important thing about them. They are not any more or any less human or deserving or loved than those people trying to get off airplanes in our country this past week who were met with orders and insults and rejection. They are no more or no less American than the original European settlers who came here and declared this country to be the land of the free. They are no better and no worse because of the color of their skin or their curl of their hair or their ability to understand their grandfather's thick accent. So in this time when the very founding values of this country are being laughed at and disregarded, let's remember who is being hurt the most. Mothers who want to keep their babies safe. Children who want to play and learn and grow. Fathers who know that America could be their only chance at a good life. Students who want the best shot at a good education. Humans. May we all let them in.
Jessica - very well said and written for all to read....... reminders and lessons in this post that we all need to remember..... we are all the same human beings with big hearts to LOVE ALL and be kind to ALL - labels need to be removed that we as citizens created. Lisa
ReplyDelete"I don't want you to... suddenly think anything less...." You're normalizing fear and hate instead of celebrating pride in origins. Essentially, you're making it clear you yourself are uncomfortable with your childrens' heritage. Access resources on cross-cultural parenting. This is a topic that has to be discussed early and often at home from a young age to build confidence in little ones. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your kids are adopted but this might help you understand why editing the truth based on what's allowable in white culture might be harmful. They have to hear you say PROUDLY where their heritage is from on ALL platforms. You have the luxury to edit their browness, that is your white privilege, but they can't edit that anywhere they go... they carry that with them all places. My guess is other white folks will read your post and say it's beautifully written, but that is only because they don't themselves understand the tools our children of color need to feel good about themselves and defend themselves in these times.
Deletehttp://mommymeansit.com/seemingly-minor-mistakes-white-adoptive-parents-of-children-of-color-often-make/
https://www.familyeducation.com/life/interracial-families/raising-kids-color
ReplyDeleteThanks, "Anonymous" for commenting. My #1 job as a parent, as any good parent would agree, is to protect my children. I can't control other people's reactions or, more importantly, overreactions. So if there is a situation where I feel my children may be at risk, I would go to any length to protect them, including keeping them away from people whose judgement and criticism may harm them. I am not at all uncomfortable with their heritage- it is rich and diverse, though I hope that they never use it as a crutch or a device to consider themselves entitled or more deserving than someone else, as people sometimes do. Pride is an important thing. But allowing pride to overshadow basic moral values is counterproductive. I was pointing out the fear and distrust that other people have around someone so innocent as a child, based solely on race. I teach my children that their heritage or culture or skin tone are some of the least important things about them, because, aren't we all equal? Their ability to empathize, their kindness and generosity, their fairness in seeing beyond color or gender or age, their wisdom in knowing when to speak up for themselves, their humility and moral soundness, and their willingness to not condescend or belittle- those are the things I teach my children to value.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/405037/
DeleteOn the contrary, the reality is race and heritage dominate the majority of interactions in America today. You're talking about colorblindness, which is largely a discredited philosophy by which to approach race and cross cultural parenting.
To imply minorities in America use their heritage as a crutch is incredibly offensive and clearly misunderstands the system against which POC fight against everyday. I think underestimate the struggles of non-white folk in America.
DeleteMy children, the people I value most in the world, are "non-white." I didn't say non-white people don't struggle. I didn't say only minorities use their heritage as a crutch- white people do it too. I don't want my kids to consider themselves better or worse than anyone for any reason. I don't want them to use their race (the white part OR the non-white part) as an excuse for anything. Or their gender. Or anything else, for that matter. The whole point of the story is that my children are often discriminated against. So I try to teach them to see beyond that.
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