I was lucky enough this past weekend to attend the wedding of my beautiful cousin and her new husband. In the woods of New Hampshire, overlooking a lake, with their family and friends gathered around, this couple agreed to love each other forever. It was a simple wedding, beautifully done and I can safely say that I have never seen a bride look happier to commit her life to someone.
Being around that much happiness is a true blessing and I feel lucky to have been able to be there. Not only did I get to celebrate with them, but I also got to spend the day with family, many of who I rarely get to see. Five out of the six grown cousins were in the same place for the first time in awhile (and we very sadly missed the sixth who was unable to come, but was very much there in spirit). The fun part about being around people you have grown up with is the fact that you have known them through all of their awkward phases and questionable fashion choices, have been witness to all of their life milestones and share parts of your history with them that no one else will ever truly understand. Let the immaturity and silliness ensue.
The other great part about weddings is the inevitable reflection on your own life. I think ahead to when my babies get married (instant tears). Think back to the weddings of friends and other family members. Wonder who will be next and how that will go. And of course reflect on my own wedding. I am in the sometimes awkward, mostly regretful pool of divorcees who have lived through the whole wedding experience only to end up unmarried at some point down the road. So there are a few different roads to take here. Some people believe you should avoid the subject as a whole- never mention it, pretend it didn't happen, don't reference it in either a positive or negative way, and otherwise stay mum when the topic of weddings comes up. While this is certainly tempting in a lot of ways (who wants to relive something that subsequently went wrong?) but very false in a whole lot of other ways.
At this past weekend's wedding there was, what I considered to be, a great practice- a display of family wedding photos going back several generations. (Yay for seeing your beautiful mom in an awesome 70's bridesmaid dress!). I had been asked beforehand whether including my own wedding picture in the bunch was ok with me. So this happened:
It may have been my imagination but I think I got a few sideways looks when people saw it there. But to be honest, it didn't bother me. That time in my life happened. It was real and honest at the time and cannot be erased. I remember that moment very clearly, and what sticks with me is not the ceremony or the ridiculous in-law drama or the fact that it rained. But that my family stood around me and wished only good things for me on that day, as I know they have done every day of my life, even if from afar.
The thing about divorce is that it can make people disqualify you as a judge of good marriages. I wonder if people look at me, look at my choices in life, and think that I have failed, question my judgement, wonder at my strength. I have many days where I think that about myself. I stood up in front of everyone I knew and made a commitment that I later had to reevaluate and eventually walk away from. There is a large part of me that hates that that is how my life went. But the larger (more experienced, older and wiser) part of me knows that they were all necessary steps to end up at this place and time. And I am hugely better for it. My hard times are certainly relatively easy compared to many others but they have challenged me along the way and I accept them as my path in life.
So this weekend, surrounded by family- by a beaming couple just starting their married life together, by those who count their love in decades, those who have proven that the hard work that is necessary in marriage pays dividends, and those who have found strength in their own, more challenging paths- I feel a confidence that many divorced people lack and it makes me unafraid to say something big: I still believe in marriage. I believe in love. I believe that divorce has not made me a bad judge of those things, but a better one. (Less likely to repeat your own mistakes, right?) And I believe that it is never too late to find the one who makes you want to stand up in front of everyone you know and think "This is it! This is what I have been waiting for. Aren't I so damn lucky?"
Sending Allison and Steven the very best wishes for a long and happy life together!
