It’s curious to think of how much in a life can change in
the course of say, 5 years. Thinking about that length of time is naturally
linked to the proportion of your life that it represents. For me, a woman in her (sigh) 30’s, 5 years
is right in the middle of starting to feel insignificant and still being pretty
monumental. When I think of some of the 5
years stretches that I have lived through- age 5 to 10 when you transition from
substantial parental dependence to burgeoning
adulthood, age 12 to 17 when everything in your world seems so darn important
and dramatic that it’s hard to see beyond the next football game, the college
years (plus 1) when the pressure is on to decide which direction your life will
go, etc- it seems hard to imagine that any stretch could encompass that much
change and forward motion.
But, of
course, what is life but a series of moments where you realize that you are
totally and absolutely wrong. My darling
daughter turns 5 tomorrow. And while I
have watched her, day in and day out (and through many long sleepless nights as
well) grown and change and develop from a swaddled pink bundle to a
back-talking, ballet-dancing, somersault-rolling, firecracker of a
kindergartener-to-be, somehow my brain cannot comprehend that the two are one
and the same and that all of those changes have taken place in a mere 5
years. The significance of these 5 years
is not only huge to her (obviously!) but to me as well (equally obvious!)
because of the impact of motherhood and far beyond. It is hard to clearly remember a time when a
major portion of my conscious mind was not focused on her, her needs, her
interests and her well-being.
Now past
the demands of toddler-dom, she is quite suddenly and startlingly an independent
person. It somehow snuck up on me
despite all of the signs and movement in that direction. Over the past few years she has shed the need
for me like leaves, one by one. Once
diapers were done, the crib was gone, she no longer needed a nap, could dress
herself, brush her own teeth and reach the snack cabinet, suddenly Mommy was
not so necessary. And in only five
years.
So who am I
after 5 years of parenting- the last 3 of which were compounded by child #2?
What do I do with all of the brain power that was devoted to remembering when
the last breast-feeding session ended or counting how many minutes she was
actually asleep at naptime? Now she’s zipping around the house on her
scooter, waving on the way by like it’s no big deal. When did all of this
happen?
It’s not to
say that I don’t enjoy the return of some functioning parts of my brain. (Though some of that released brain power has
switched over to focus on how to answer her unending questions about the
complexities of dinosaurs vs. dragons and on tv and computer-usage
negotiations!) I fully enjoying sleeping the whole night through and not having
double diaper duty. And watching her be
this independent person has, I admit, produced thus far unheard of levels of
pride. Case in point- I dropped her off
backstage at her dance recital last week.
She waved over her shoulder and called out “Bye Mom!” without even
looking back to see if I was still there, so eager was she to join her friends. A big part of me wanted to pull her back,
give her a big hug and several well-planted kisses and ask her a couple times
if she would be ok without me. A clearly
unnecessary move and one that would have been all about me and not her. Instead I said goodbye and took my seat in
the audience and watched her big shining moment while one proud tear rolled
down my cheek. And it was, of course, totally brilliant. The pride I felt
seeing her on that stage, dancing her dance with a huge happy smile on her
face, was enormous. And I gave her
plenty of hugs and kisses afterwards- which she accepted and returned with huge
enthusiasm. A decent balance, I would
say.
I’m not
saying she doesn’t need me. She still
wants to cuddle when she drinks her milk and requires bedtime stories at night
and kisses for her boo-boos. All fine by
me. It helps me hold on to those days when
she needed nothing more than to fall asleep on her momma’s shoulder to calm
whatever was bothering her. But while
she’s off playing with her Barbies or generously entertaining her younger
brother, I’m figuring out where to go from here. I had thought 5 years ago that the major
decisions in my life were generally made.
Now on the other side of that span of time, I see that the all of those
old clichés are true- time changes everyone, times rolls on, this too shall
pass, and so on. Adventures in motherhood
are only part of the re-vamping of every conceivable aspect of my life. I’d like to claim that the effort to give my
children the best lives I can possibly provide has led me to create a better
life for myself. I’m not sure it’s that
simple, but I’m holding on to the idea.
At the very least, I want to be the best role model- not always an easy
thing to be. But if I can change, well,
everything in 5 years, then I’m pretty sure anything is possible.
