Certainly a 5-year-old’s version of
love is based mainly on Disney movies. And they have certainly come up with
some very skewed portrayals- love is instant, love is easy (once all of the bad
guys have been dealt with), love is forever, love conquers all. The
incongruence of those ideas, pleasant as they may be, with reality is so
striking that I fear my daughter will grow up thinking that all it takes is a
penny (or a charming smile or a cool car, etc) to buy her favor. Somewhere I
have to slip in the lesson that she’s got to love herself first in order to
really know her own worth, and therefore recognize when others see it too-
easier preached than practiced.
That’s not to say that Disney hasn’t
smartened up since the days of Cinderella and Prince Charming when it comes to
that stuff. In fact their most recent movie, Frozen, included the brilliant
line from one princess to another- “You can’t marry a man you just met!” The
love-at-first sight relationship in that case crashes and burns, leaving the
struggling princess to fall in love with someone after getting to know him.
Imagine that. It even shows the strength of loving a friend, ie. a talking
snowman who declares that “Some people are worth melting for.”
What Disney is finally learning is
that love is so much more than the perfectly fitting glass slipper. Love is
ugly, and bumpy, and sometimes uncomfortable. It’s about sacrifice and
compromise and getting through the bad days. It’s about knowing yourself well
enough to know what works for you and what doesn’t. It means leaving when it’s
wrong and sticking it out when it’s right- even when doing those are the most
difficult things you can imagine. And the kicker? When you take all of those
things, add all of the good stuff and stand back to take a look? It looks
different to every set of eyes on the planet, meaning it’s undefinable and
unexplainable.
In the near future I know my
daughter will have some larger questions about love that I will need to be
prepared to answer. So what does love
look like for me? Love. I can’t lie. It’s been a far trickier road than I ever
thought it could be. It’s been about giving up on a fairy-tale that I fought so
hard to put a good face on, that it took far too long to admit that the ground
had crumbled away beneath my feet. It’s been about finding ways to love myself
even when I didn’t think I was worth the time. It’s been about reaching out
when I needed a lifeboat to cling to. It’s been about friendship and honesty
and growing. It’s been about pain and new definitions of loneliness. It’s hope
and peace and starting from scratch so many times. It’s about newness and
certainty and joy. It’s about happily using a heart that’s far more weathered
than I ever thought it would be. It’s about green grass after a very cold
winter.
I had to have the first, very
simplified, birds-and-bees talk with my baby today. (As in, “No kissing until
you are 18, got it?”). She walked away singing a song to herself about love. My
little princess. Someday she’ll fall in love for real. And her heart will get
broken too- it’s all part of the same deal. She’ll pick it up and put it back
together and move on. We all do it. Her idea of love will grow and change and
hurt and heal. I’ve known it all, and have plenty more to learn too. C’est la
vie.
