A Mother's Melodies

A boy's memory...

She only knew three lullabies but she sang them laughing soft in my ear, and held my tiny body against her.  She swayed and rocked and paced for mile after mile on the beige carpet of my room as every word wrote itself down in my mind.  Hush now, my baby, be still love don’t cry… The white glow of the nightlight was enough to see her face, which looked tired and ready for sleep though I never wanted her to leave.  I kept my eyes open, laid my head on her shoulder and willed her to stay with me, swearing to stay awake so that she would.  In my room, with blue painted walls, one hundred picture books, my first teddy bear wearing my first baseball hat, she sang.  Sleep like you’re rocked by the stream…  Her hair tickled my cheek and smelled like everything I loved- sun and warmth and comfort and sweet milk.  I grabbed it with my small fingers, tangling them deep, deciding to keep that reign on her forever and never let it go. 

            Around and around she walked, her body humming with the music; songs about love and rivers and sleep and nighttime.  Sleep and remember my lullaby and I’ll be with you when you dream… The world ran by outside the window, but I didn’t know it.  Everything I needed was there in that room.  All I could feel, all I had the energy to believe was that she and I could always be as we were.  Her heart beat under me, a slow steady beat I could feel through her skin; a sound and a feeling I had always known.  Sleep on a river that flows through my arms…

            A deep sigh escaped me as my body sank deeper against hers and I could see her smile down at me, although my eyes were getting heavy.  I fought against them, trying to keep them open, keep her there.  She leaned her face into my neck and breathed me in, filling her lungs and making my body rise, then fall again.  Slowly we swayed.  Sleep as I’m singing to you… If I could just stay awake, I convinced myself the songs might go on forever.  My body was giving up, drifting away from my control, disappearing as sleep took over.  No, I thought, hang on.  I see you smiling, so peaceful and calm.  Holding you I’m smiling too… It was the same last night and would be the same tomorrow.  On and on we would walk that room in the last moments of each day, spending it wrapped up in each other.  It always had been so and I believed, with every bit of my small self, that it would be for all time.

Then, so softly and gently that I couldn’t protest, she laid me down in bed and touched our noses together.  Her hands pushed back my hair and held my face.  She laid her warm cheek against mine for a long moment.  Only a sliver of her face still showed through my closing eyes but I could see the peace glowing around her like a halo.  In a soft, humming whisper she sang all three lullabies again.  River, oh River, flow gently for me. Such precious cargo you bear. Do you know somewhere he can be free? River, deliver him there… That is what I remember.