Lists

There are so many of those lists going around today cataloging the best and worst of the past year: lists that remember what we have lost and celebrate what we have accomplished, lists that make us think about our regrets and smile at our achievements. They simplify a full year into a few moments and skip over the everyday things that actually filled the year- dishes and laundry, traffic and long days at work, binge watching TV shows on Netflix and hours spent on the treadmill. Instead we highlight the brief flashes of tragedy or happiness that dotted the year, ignore the in-between, and then wonder how the year passed so quickly.

It was a busy year. New house. New job. Death in the family. My youngest starting school. My oldest moving solidly into her own independence. My life advancing forward. It wasn’t a perfect year. I could surely come up with a Worst Moments list, a Failures list, a Bad Parenting Moves list. But there would be good lists too and I would say it’s a healthy balance.

I’m not one for resolutions. There is no reason to only try to begin to be better on this specific date. That’s not to say I don’t want to be better, to make positive changes, to be the person I wish I was. I see that person- stronger, healthier, more rested, more patient, less stressed, less critical of myself, less sensitive- and I want to be her. (She also has amazing hair, but I think that’s maybe a stretch goal..) But if I was to have a vision for the next year it would be to strive to be that person- remember her when I make decisions, picture her when I doubt myself, embody her when times are harder and I am so exhausted from work and parenting and everything else that I don’t know how to cope. I will be her someday- I believe that. I see her just ahead, constantly and quickly moving forward in front of me. It’s just a matter of time and willpower and belief. I’m already far closer than I was a few years ago.

I wish everyone the power to be that version of themselves they want to be. Happy New Year.